My problem with the disabled toilet

To those of you who are still listening,

I made a choice when I first started my new job, a choice that many of you would have made before. A choice that challenges your morals and plays with your conscience, but ultimately could be the key to my workplace happiness.

Of course, I’m talking about “the disabled toilet”.

For some a safe haven free from judgemental society, for others they may have no other choice, for me, well, it’s a pleasure.

I work in an office with around 25 members of staff none of which have a disability and yet when it comes to the lavatory I am presented with 2 choices: Do I risk using the one and only cubical in the male toilet, squeeze by the poorly designed door and feel my way around the seat like a bad French mime act as some bright spark thought light sensors would be the best choice? Further to that – my shoes and pulled down trousers are clearly visible to anyone who enters instantly being able to identify who I am (and question what I have eaten). Do I just close my eyes and think of England, praying someone doesn’t come in and smell the unholy scent of last nights Chinese? Or do I pull my trousers up and pluck the forbidden fruit that is “the disabled toilet”?

You all know the decision I made, or you wouldn’t be here and frankly, It’s still the decision I continue to make every working day.

When I first entered I felt like Charlie Bucket when Willy Wonka first opened the doors to the chocolate factory (no, this isn’t some kind of sick euphemism). It was pure joy. I was almost certain none other had made the bold choice I had made before that fateful day. It was well lit, spacious, had heating pipes all around, and a comforting whirl from an actual extractor fan. I couldn’t believe my luck.

Then something happened that I hadn’t prepared for.

When I left the safety and comfort of my new abode, I walked around the corner straight into my manager. “What’s down there?” he asked. He knew full bloody well what was down there! He just wanted to hear me say it! I left with caution in my step and couldn’t wait to let the boys opposite me know of the secret garden. They all said that they have never even considered it (I knew full bloody well they had). But agreed to visit and see what the fuss is about next time nature calls.

Fast forward 2 years later. 

It would be safe to say that word got out. I would say between 10-15 people (including the superior that caught me) use the worst kept secret of 2018 on a daily basis. The floor no longer sparkles, people are just straight pissing all over the seat. What was once my perfect secret was now as good as Glastonbury portaloos.

So what did I do? I made a sign. Did it help? Did it fuck!


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My problems with smoking today


To those of you who are listening,

I got stuck in the abyss that is a tedious stop and chat today. I was having a cigarette and caught myself subconsciously just blowing smoke into their face. It was quickly countered by a forced cough from the stop and chatterer. I apologised and blew the smoke forcefully to the side. Unfortunately, this just resulted in it just catching the wind and going directly back into their face anyway. I got a look. But then again I wonder if they just had smoke in their eye.

One time, I went into a shop to buy some cigarettes and asked the lady behind the counter “If possible, could I have your least disgusting cigarette packaging please”. She looked at them for what seemed to be an eternity, battling all her moral compasses as she soon realised there really was no right answer. She turned around and presented me with some packaging of a dying child with a respirator on. She said, “the others were disgusting to look at”. I didn’t ask questions. I apologised and promised I would never ask this again.


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